I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
