you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
