I think I won the penis lottery.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
