I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
