I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
