well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
