Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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