I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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