So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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