I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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