she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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