Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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