he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
