How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
