I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
