Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
