i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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