thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
