I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
