Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
