So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
