Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
