bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Drake has all the answers
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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