woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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