Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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