i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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