I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
