oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
