she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
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How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
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Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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