i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
