can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
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That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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