two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
