Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
