my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
