I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
