when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
