I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
