My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I intend to get homeless drunk
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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