Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
