took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
