Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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