Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
