i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
