I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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