she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
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I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
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There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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