the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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