I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
