i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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