More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
