I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
