I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
