It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
