I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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