so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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