fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just gargled with NyQuil
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
