im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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