Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
