I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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