I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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