i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
